Tis the season to be jolly…. Or not

Christmas. For almost all of us the word conjures images of food, presents, time with family or friends and that ephemeral thing called “Christmas spirit”. It’s the world of the John Lewis, M&S and Kevin the Carrot adverts, hot chocolate and carols. Few of us get to experience a reality that genuinely looks like that for the whole of the holiday season. To me, the dichotomy of idealised posts flooding social media and the reality that most people’s experience is a blend of the good, the bad and the ugly, makes this time of year a significant challenge to mental health and well-being

Those of you who have read some of my previous blogs (you haven’t? Please have a browse!) will know that I view the main factors creating good mental health and supporting well-being as food, sleep, exercise, good relationships and meaningful or valued activity. Depending on our situation, Christmas can enhance or challenge those.

Let’s briefly look at food, sleep and exercise: For some, the break can create time for nourishing food, better sleep patterns and spending time outside or engaging in active hobbies. Did you know that the elements of a Christmas roast with the trimmings are potentially one of the healthiest meals we eat all year? Of course, portion size, additional treats and snacks can change that!

Christmas can mean the opportunity to spend more time with people we love, pursue meaningful activity and do things that we enjoy but rarely have time for. On the other hand, it can trigger significant arguments, bring back resentment and hurtful memories The break from work (if you get one) can be restful or it can challenge routine, structure social contact with colleagues and limit professional activities that are meaningful to you. Consider pilots and cabin crew. They might be away and/or flying, possibly able to take some family members with them but not able to catch up with everyone, eat what they want, join group activities or stay up late. Or they might be at home, joining in Christmas but not able to fully enjoy it because they’re working in the next day or so or missing colleagues and the purpose and meaning that come with flying. There are generally some decent compromises to be found: as a pilot’s daughter, I grew up moving Christmas day to whenever my pilot father could be at home but we’d still do the basics with my mother on the day. Aviation jobs can provide wonderful opportunities to shop for unusual presents, take family on trips to Christmas markets or the snow but those experiences can also make it hard to get the basics of busy food shops, present wrapping and card writing harder.

So, for most of us, Christmas, or the other holidays you might celebrate at similar times of year, are a blend of lovely experiences and challenges. By the time we celebrate as adults, most of us will also notice someone we love who can no longer join us to celebrate. That can bring an element of grief, loss and sadness to our experience. I am going to talk about that next. It might not be what you want to read at the moment so I’ve marked that section with dotted lines – do skip that section and have a look at the more practical tips which follow if this might not be for you.

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One of the people I notice as missing at Christmas is my father. I don’t often share such personal stories but I hope this one helps to make sense of managing sadness during the festivities:

I’m so very lucky. My father was easy to love, spent time telling us stories, taught me to ride a bike, was delighted when I followed him into a flying career and was a huge fan of Christmas. He loved family time and the Christmas meal with all the trimmings. In the last years of his life, he developed an illness that needed aggressive chemotherapy and serious surgery. At his penultimate Christmas meal, he could only eat tomato soup. I’d been the family Christmas chef for a long time by then and I promised him I’d cook his favourite roast and every trimming the following year. I’m lucky – I got to cook that meal for him and see him enjoy crackers, games and family one more time. The following year he sadly relapsed and passed away.

Because of those experiences, the Christmas meal has a significant meaning for me and has, over time, become one way I remember my father. I’ve also added a few new small rituals that do that. For example, my present to me is usually something related to stars because one of his favourite phrases was ”reach for the stars because even if you fail, you’ll get to the moon”. I open that on my own at the end of the day and, for me it adds a sweetness to those moments when I notice he’s not there to share the meal.

We miss people at Christmas for all sorts of reasons, and the things that will help aren’t the same for everyone. Here are some ideas that might help:

· Plan how you might remember loved ones on Christmas day: A visit to take flowers to their grave or memorial, a game they loved, raising a toast, telling stories about them. Then plan some other activities as well to balance the day or days.

· Try changing Christmas traditions: If doing the things you used to do feels painful or too sad, consider trying a different way to spend at least some of the time over the holiday season. It might be changing what or when you eat or going out to eat. If your budget allows, perhaps going away might be more comfortable. There are many options to join teams of volunteers at Christmas.

· If you’re dreading Christmas alone, have a look at your local council website or in your local library. Many areas organise activities or even meals aimed at alleviating loneliness on Christmas day.

· Remember the holiday season doesn’t last forever. If might help to plan something with friends or family after the main few days so that you have something to look forward too that doesn’t have all the pressure to be perfect that the main days carry.

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I promised to move on to practical tips. To me, often the most important thing we can do is to manage expectations. The holiday season in reality rather than Christmas films, TV and social media can be fun, messy, disappointing and exasperating:

· If you have relatives who don’t get on during the year, it’s rare for the holiday season to fix that! Long family visits, disagreements over presents or how the kids are behaving, or even who gets the turkey drumstick can quickly spiral into unpleasantness. If you can avoid awkward combinations of people that might reduce everyone’s stress. If that’s not possible, it’s absolutely reasonable to set expectations of time and behaviour in advance: “We are looking forward to popping in to Christmas Eve nibbles but I’m afraid we’ll have to leave at 8:00 pm” or “I’d like to host Christmas lunch but I didn’t enjoy the arguments last year. Can we all agree to disagree just for a few hours and I’ll make sure I cook (favourite trimmings/desert etc.)”

· If all you can do is get through the holiday season and re-establish normality as quickly as possible, that’s OK too. If you can book a reward or treat to notice surviving, I find that often becomes very effective self care. It can be as simple as coffee with a friend or as luxurious as a spa day if you’d like!

· Planning ahead for activities, shopping and food genuinely does reduce stress and create useful structure for many people. Plan the TV and films you might enjoy.

· Ditch the phone or social media for a while if you possibly can – if you struggle to do that, use app or website blockers you set up in advance.

· Plan and stick to a budget. Splurging on uneeded food and expensive gifts even if it doesn’t cause financial issues rarely gives us more than a short-term “buzz”. I know it’s a cliché but for many of your friends and family, your time spent genuinely focussed on them is probably the most valued gift you can give them.

· Plan some self care, whatever that looks like for you. For me, it’s a decent book curled up with my dogs on the sofa. It might be mindfulness, a walk, hobbies, craft. Whatever you value.

· Mindfulness does help – you might have the time to try apps like Headspace or Calm which have free trials. Often the holiday season provides opportunities to notice simple moments – fresh air in a walk, a child’s smile, a grateful gift recipient, a loving relative. Notice those moments and file them in your memory – it’s like building a bank of mindful moments for the months ahead.

· Check in with friends and let them know if you’d like them to check in on you.

· For some people, “hibernating” can be a good fit – keeping to yourself with food you like, books, walks, perhaps away from home. Telling friends and family you’ll be away and out of touch. This one’s not for everyone, but I do know people it works for.

Whatever you celebrate at this time of year, if you do, it’s almost impossible to avoid that dichotomy of expectation vs. reality. Simply acknowledging that and paying attention to the things that nurture your well-being at this unusual time of year is a good start to looking after your mental health.

I wish you the best possible match to the holiday season that is meaningful to you with at least a few moments of looking after yourself.

Very warmest wishes

Margaret