Intermittent Spouse Syndrome in Aviation: Managing the Emotional Rollercoaster

Intermittent Spouse Syndrome (ISS) is a term originally coined when researchers started to look at the experiences of spouses of North Sea Oil workers (Taylor & Martin,1978). Typical working patterns involved a few weeks offshore with little home contact available and then a few weeks at home with minimal of any work demands or schedule. Take a minute to think about both sides of a relationship like this. In each phase, partners will have very different experiences. The partner offshore might be working long shifts, coping with unglamorous accommodation and food and their social interactions are often limited to the small number of colleagues on the rig at the same time. The partner at home might be single-handedly running the home, responding to domestic challenges. When the offshore partner comes home, they might have few or even no work-related commitments, but their partner may be continuing at work or school and may be better equipped to managed domestic chores simply through familiarity. If we label these phases separation and reunion, each poses challenges for each partner and other close friends and family. Aviation psychologists quickly recognised that aviation professionals and their partners and families experience similar repeated separations and reunions and went on to identify ISS in aviation as a significant source of stress. A certain international airline even ran courses for pilot wives on how to be a good aviation spouse in an attempt to head off significant levels of depression in ex-pat wives living in Hong Kong with their pilot husbands. Think about the separation phase as experienced by an established couple for a minute: the working partner may be away for a few days or even two to three weeks. Even in 2024, there will be significant amounts of time where communication is difficult when one or both are working or sleeping, especially as they may be in different and even changing time zones. The working partner is probably with a small group of colleagues they haven’t chosen themselves following a work schedule they don’t completely control, staying in hotels they haven’t chosen and facing challenges to good nutrition and exercise. At the same time, they may get the chance to experience the “glamour” of traveling for work – a long haul trip to South Africa can mean there’s a chance to go on safari or visit a winery, a day off in Europe might be an opportunity to glass shopping in Venice or visit a Christmas market. The partner at home often needs to run house and family single-handed during this phase but may find it easier to control their own time, nutrition and sleep and to maintain social relationships. In most cases, both partners will look forward to reunion and being able to spend time together. It’s still a change in routine and circumstances that almost always requires adjustment and compromise from both though: the working partner may feel the need for a significant amount of rest on their return while home partner and family want to go and do things “while we’ve got you”. The work partner may also find that they have few work style commitments while home and struggle to establish a routine while the home partner continues with routines of work or study. The work partner may want to take over some domestic responsibilities while at home, an offer that may be accepted with gratitude or seen as interfering. The constant cycle of separation and reunion can create an emotional rollercoaster for both partners. Feelings of loneliness, frustration, and anxiety during periods of absence can quickly shift to excitement and relief upon reunion, only to be followed by the impending separation anxiety once again. Maintaining effective communication can be difficult due to varying time zones and work hours. Misunderstandings and feelings of disconnect may arise, exacerbating the stress on the relationship. The partner at home often has to shoulder more responsibilities, such as childcare, household chores, and managing finances. This imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout. Additionally, the partner at home may feel isolated from social activities and support networks, particularly if they have recently relocated due to their spouse's job. This isolation can intensify feelings of loneliness and stress. Establishing regular and meaningful communication is crucial. Technology can help with video calls often providing a more meaningful interaction that voice alone. Social media can also help everyone involved feel connected but can also rub salt in the wound of “absence” Research around ISS often reports the potential for being jealous - of the work partner’s amazing day off down route or the ability of the home partner to attend the important family event. It won’t surprise you to hear that effective communication is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship in the context of ISS. One of my top tips is to think about meta communication (talking about talking) as well. Sharing routines, plans and rosters in both separation and reunion phases and working out when to talk is a good start. Thinking through how to use social media (do I tell you about my safari trip before I post?) is also a good idea. If both partners can go on a trip occasionally that can be really helpful. It can alleviate jealousy – it’s not always a safari trip and the hotel might be nice but the 03:00 am wake up call and multiple airport transits are often stressful. It might also provide the chance to do that safari together! Don’t forget that the reunion phase often needs active management as well. Think through welcome home routines (I know you’ve been up all night travelling but I need you to do the school run and shopping this morning might not go down well! Equally, “It’s so lovely to see you back, let’s go out right now” might be difficult as well). Of course, I’m going to say communication and meta communication can help here as well. The couple most successful at navigating reunion experiences in particular are flexible in allocating responsibilities and good at communicating. In essence if everyone can do nearly everything, then good communication allows the most appropriate partner to do it on the day. It’s also important to remember that both partners will almost certainly want or need to make time for individual activities during reunion phases. That isn’t “I don’t want to spend time with you”, its part of being a healthy adult. Seeking support from friends, family, or support groups for partners of aviation professionals can also be beneficial. Sharing experiences and feelings with others who understand the unique challenges can provide a sense of validation and relief. Creating a predictable routine for both partners can help manage the emotional highs and lows. This includes planning activities together during periods of presence and maintaining personal routines during absences. Prioritizing self-care and personal well-being is essential. Engaging in hobbies, physical activities, and relaxation techniques can help manage stress and maintain emotional balance. Consider seeking help from a psychologist or counsellor specializing in relationship issues. Professional guidance can provide valuable tools and strategies for coping with the unique challenges of ISS. Having open and honest conversations about the challenges and feelings associated with ISS is also important. Understanding each other’s perspectives and working together to find solutions can strengthen the relationship. Intermittent Spouse Syndrome in aviation presents significant challenges for couples, but with effective communication, emotional support, and proactive strategies, it is possible to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Understanding and addressing the unique stressors associated with ISS can help aviation professionals and their partners navigate this journey together with resilience and compassion. As always, there’s much more coming soon in Mental Altitude.